1 00:00:01,564 --> 00:00:02,814 [Mabel Mora] Who is Dudenoff? 2 00:00:02,815 --> 00:00:04,233 Do you know who's out to get me? 3 00:00:04,234 --> 00:00:05,692 [Helga] [on radio] The last person who came around 4 00:00:05,693 --> 00:00:07,277 asking these questions got killed. 5 00:00:07,278 --> 00:00:10,030 We're illegally subletting rent-controlled apartments. 6 00:00:10,031 --> 00:00:13,242 Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal. We send him rent. 7 00:00:13,243 --> 00:00:14,743 The voice on the ham radio said-- 8 00:00:14,744 --> 00:00:17,246 - That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend, - Your crazy ex-girlfriend. 9 00:00:17,247 --> 00:00:20,666 You may have heard about our little "firearms moment" at the photo shoot. 10 00:00:20,667 --> 00:00:21,833 - [gunshot] - [people screaming] 11 00:00:21,834 --> 00:00:23,043 It's Glen! He's still alive! 12 00:00:23,044 --> 00:00:25,504 [Zach Galifianakis] They got me in my fat! 13 00:00:25,505 --> 00:00:27,422 Dudenoff? He's been cashing social security checks 14 00:00:27,423 --> 00:00:29,132 at a bodega on 125th Street. 15 00:00:29,133 --> 00:00:30,926 [Mabel] There's two left shoulders? 16 00:00:30,927 --> 00:00:34,096 Sazz's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator. 17 00:00:34,097 --> 00:00:36,807 It belongs... to Dudenoff. 18 00:00:36,808 --> 00:00:38,809 Oliver, I wanna marry you. 19 00:00:38,810 --> 00:00:41,019 Whosever cashing Dudenoff's checks is after you. 20 00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:44,106 Your friend Howard says he knows who killed Dudenoff. 21 00:00:44,107 --> 00:00:46,692 Wasn't just one person cashing his checks. 22 00:00:46,693 --> 00:00:49,027 He found five different signatures 23 00:00:49,028 --> 00:00:51,071 - with one phone number. - Hello? 24 00:00:51,072 --> 00:00:52,240 [Howard gasps] 25 00:00:53,867 --> 00:00:55,368 They know. 26 00:00:59,163 --> 00:01:01,165 [artillery exploding] 27 00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:05,168 [Milton Dudenoff] Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film 28 00:01:05,169 --> 00:01:10,132 set entirely in a small boat filled with disparate characters 29 00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:13,886 who learn how far they'd go to survive the rough waters 30 00:01:13,887 --> 00:01:15,679 of their perilous circumstances. 31 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,264 [♪ jaunty music playing] 32 00:01:17,265 --> 00:01:18,849 In New York City, 33 00:01:18,850 --> 00:01:23,645 a lifeboat can look a lot like an affordable apartment in a nice building 34 00:01:23,646 --> 00:01:25,772 on the Upper West Side. 35 00:01:25,773 --> 00:01:27,232 [Vince Fish] Can I go in this way? 36 00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:28,317 [pedestrian] Hey, taxi! 37 00:01:28,318 --> 00:01:29,401 [elevator doors shut] 38 00:01:29,402 --> 00:01:32,363 [♪ jaunty music continues] 39 00:01:35,575 --> 00:01:38,536 - [elevator dings] - Well, I can make another tape. I c-- 40 00:01:39,871 --> 00:01:42,831 - Hey! - Hey. Call-- call me back. 41 00:01:42,832 --> 00:01:45,292 You got one of those fancy invites from Dudenoff, too, huh? 42 00:01:45,293 --> 00:01:48,045 Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery." 43 00:01:48,046 --> 00:01:50,172 I think it was delivered by a raven. 44 00:01:50,173 --> 00:01:53,259 - Is your eye okay? - Yeah, it's probably just allergies. 45 00:01:54,093 --> 00:01:56,011 Hey! You guys got an invite, too? 46 00:01:56,012 --> 00:01:57,888 [laughs] Yeah. Check out this cardstock. 47 00:01:57,889 --> 00:02:00,975 He knows we can, like, text, right? 48 00:02:02,185 --> 00:02:03,644 Is someone gonna knock already? 49 00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:06,355 [in European accent] Wait for me! Wait for me! 50 00:02:06,356 --> 00:02:08,440 - Helga! - I brought my new girlfriend. 51 00:02:08,441 --> 00:02:10,108 I hope that is okay. 52 00:02:10,109 --> 00:02:12,653 Of course. Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker? 53 00:02:12,654 --> 00:02:14,488 [Inez] Piggy in a blanket! 54 00:02:14,489 --> 00:02:15,865 [Hammy squeals] 55 00:02:18,535 --> 00:02:19,618 Oh, hell! 56 00:02:19,619 --> 00:02:21,411 Look who it is. 57 00:02:21,412 --> 00:02:23,998 Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. 58 00:02:24,582 --> 00:02:27,000 I'm about to change your lives. 59 00:02:27,001 --> 00:02:30,087 [♪ lively theme song playing] 60 00:02:30,088 --> 00:02:33,174 [♪ vocalizing] 61 00:03:12,005 --> 00:03:13,339 [♪ theme song fades out] 62 00:03:14,424 --> 00:03:18,219 - [♪ curious music playing] - [car engine starting] 63 00:03:19,095 --> 00:03:21,263 [Charles-Haden Savage] One thing about choosing a safe house 64 00:03:21,264 --> 00:03:22,432 filled with your family. 65 00:03:22,891 --> 00:03:24,392 [Oliver Putnam] What's that, Charles? 66 00:03:25,059 --> 00:03:28,562 [Charles] It makes going home to a building full of murderers more appealing. 67 00:03:28,563 --> 00:03:30,231 - [car sputtering] - [Oliver grunts] 68 00:03:34,152 --> 00:03:36,153 - [car hissing, rattling] - [Mabel] Seriously? 69 00:03:36,154 --> 00:03:38,907 [Oliver] [coughing gags] Okay, just put-- [sighs] 70 00:03:39,782 --> 00:03:43,076 [sighs] No, no, no. Charles, use your hips. 71 00:03:43,077 --> 00:03:45,412 Up and around like a hula hoop. Do this thing. 72 00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:47,372 - [Charles] It's not helping. - Would you just let me? 73 00:03:47,373 --> 00:03:50,459 No, I can do it. It's just a problem with the, uh, th-the fuselage. 74 00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:52,836 How do neither of you know how to pop the hood of a car? 75 00:03:52,837 --> 00:03:56,590 - Because real men hire other men, Mabel. - Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away, 76 00:03:56,591 --> 00:03:59,468 and it's good to leave them something to do 'cause it makes 'em happy. 77 00:03:59,469 --> 00:04:02,555 - You're a real philanthropist. Hang on. - [musical ring tone] 78 00:04:03,056 --> 00:04:05,891 [groans] They're calling again! Ignore! 79 00:04:05,892 --> 00:04:08,852 - [Oliver mutters, sniffs] - Well, while we're waiting, 80 00:04:08,853 --> 00:04:10,854 we should probably do a recap. 81 00:04:10,855 --> 00:04:12,481 Here's what we know so far. 82 00:04:12,482 --> 00:04:15,275 This Dudenoff guy has a bunch of rent-controlled units, 83 00:04:15,276 --> 00:04:17,194 and he moved the Westies in. 84 00:04:17,195 --> 00:04:21,031 Then, even though they need him alive to keep their homes, 85 00:04:21,032 --> 00:04:23,033 they kill and burn him. 86 00:04:23,034 --> 00:04:25,035 And then, they cash his checks to cover it up. 87 00:04:25,036 --> 00:04:29,081 And when poor Sazz caught onto them, they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment. 88 00:04:29,082 --> 00:04:30,874 And then, they shot at me, barely missing 89 00:04:30,875 --> 00:04:33,168 the most essential person to our investigative work. 90 00:04:33,169 --> 00:04:35,212 I can't believe Vince Fish would do this! 91 00:04:35,213 --> 00:04:36,880 He was my Wordle buddy! 92 00:04:36,881 --> 00:04:39,800 - [ringtone plays] - Oh! [growls] Hold on. 93 00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:42,427 Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now. 94 00:04:42,428 --> 00:04:43,845 - [FaceTime answers] - Hello? 95 00:04:43,846 --> 00:04:47,849 Hey, guys! So the sexy half of this crime-solving sextet 96 00:04:47,850 --> 00:04:49,351 has some thoughts. 97 00:04:49,352 --> 00:04:51,353 Don't you have to go to rehearsal? 98 00:04:51,354 --> 00:04:53,897 Now that we know that we're indispensable, we cannot leave you alone. 99 00:04:53,898 --> 00:04:55,983 We are professional investigators, 100 00:04:55,984 --> 00:04:58,193 and you are playing us in a movie because of it! 101 00:04:58,194 --> 00:04:59,653 We are fine on our own! 102 00:04:59,654 --> 00:05:01,905 Hey, can we just, uh, mute you for a second? 103 00:05:01,906 --> 00:05:03,824 If you're muting us, we're muting you! 104 00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,577 [Zach] [on phone] Okay, good. Muting each other. 105 00:05:06,244 --> 00:05:07,244 [Zach sighs] 106 00:05:07,245 --> 00:05:08,954 Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this? 107 00:05:08,955 --> 00:05:11,123 Uh, y-you didn't mute us. 108 00:05:11,124 --> 00:05:13,959 Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now. 109 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,753 - What happened? I'm muted. [snorts] - [Eva Longoria] No, we can still hear you. 110 00:05:16,754 --> 00:05:19,089 Tell you what? Let's just not mute! 111 00:05:19,090 --> 00:05:21,133 [over phone] We need to find someplace safe to plan. 112 00:05:21,134 --> 00:05:23,176 Anywhere but the Arconia. 113 00:05:23,177 --> 00:05:24,761 [♪ curious music playing] 114 00:05:24,762 --> 00:05:27,389 Okay. I know just the place. 115 00:05:27,390 --> 00:05:28,932 [car hissing] 116 00:05:28,933 --> 00:05:30,393 ♪ 117 00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:34,771 Okay, but how do we get a confession? 118 00:05:34,772 --> 00:05:38,108 Well, I have an idea, but it involves someone. 119 00:05:38,109 --> 00:05:40,736 - Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza-- - It's Tony Danza. 120 00:05:40,737 --> 00:05:43,780 Eugene, can we go one day without you mentioning Tony Danza? 121 00:05:43,781 --> 00:05:44,907 [production set chatter] 122 00:05:44,908 --> 00:05:45,992 [Mabel] Hey, look. 123 00:05:47,619 --> 00:05:50,412 [Oliver gasps, laughs weakly] 124 00:05:50,413 --> 00:05:52,207 [Charles] How could my character live here? 125 00:05:52,582 --> 00:05:54,792 The albums, not alphabetized. 126 00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,127 Oh! Nice. 127 00:05:57,128 --> 00:06:01,006 Nice. A first edition touching a second edition! 128 00:06:01,007 --> 00:06:03,343 Yeah, brilliant. That's really good. 129 00:06:04,344 --> 00:06:05,345 Oh, really? 130 00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:09,932 - [Oliver] Oh. - [Zach] Okay. 131 00:06:09,933 --> 00:06:11,892 So, we bust in on the Westies with two celebrities 132 00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,602 - and Eugene. - [Eva] Mm-hmm. 133 00:06:13,603 --> 00:06:14,686 Then, what? 134 00:06:14,687 --> 00:06:16,146 It's almost go-time on the movie, 135 00:06:16,147 --> 00:06:18,106 so I'm gonna pump my cheeks while we spitball. 136 00:06:18,107 --> 00:06:20,150 - Can we get back to my idea for a minute? - [Zach exhales] 137 00:06:20,151 --> 00:06:21,235 Because it's so simple. 138 00:06:21,236 --> 00:06:23,862 We invite the Westies to, yes, 139 00:06:23,863 --> 00:06:26,365 Tony Danza's 35th annual 140 00:06:26,366 --> 00:06:28,825 "It's Time To Wear White Pants Extrava-Danza." 141 00:06:28,826 --> 00:06:32,579 Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of Who's the Boss? 142 00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:34,957 - I don't care. It's okay. - [Oliver] Oh. 143 00:06:34,958 --> 00:06:37,543 Then, we tell the Sauce Family that Tony wants 144 00:06:37,544 --> 00:06:40,254 to start his own line of sauces called 145 00:06:40,255 --> 00:06:41,630 "Who's the Sauce?" 146 00:06:41,631 --> 00:06:44,466 The Westies will then spill their story 147 00:06:44,467 --> 00:06:48,720 on account of Danza's, uh, neighborhood wise-guy charisma. 148 00:06:48,721 --> 00:06:51,390 - Danza's the perfect plan-za. - Mm. 149 00:06:51,391 --> 00:06:52,766 I love it. I love it. 150 00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:55,102 I would change it slightly and maybe not do it. 151 00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:58,606 And instead, surprise them with a ding-dong. 152 00:06:59,607 --> 00:07:02,276 - Wh-What...? - Uh, say more about the ding-dong. 153 00:07:02,277 --> 00:07:06,154 In soapy TV, a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise. 154 00:07:06,155 --> 00:07:08,907 It's like a-a long-lost brother returns, 155 00:07:08,908 --> 00:07:11,285 or, uh, your paralyzed uncle 156 00:07:11,286 --> 00:07:13,370 starts to walk again after 40 years. 157 00:07:13,371 --> 00:07:14,872 Y-You're overthinking it. 158 00:07:14,873 --> 00:07:17,958 One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff, and the others are covering for 'em. 159 00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,459 All we need to do is get them talking. 160 00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:21,545 I say that we invite the Westies 161 00:07:21,546 --> 00:07:24,131 to a celebrity-studded... 162 00:07:24,132 --> 00:07:26,508 super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's. 163 00:07:26,509 --> 00:07:27,843 That's good. 164 00:07:27,844 --> 00:07:30,220 Right. Our own turf. The key is to remain calm. 165 00:07:30,221 --> 00:07:33,181 Well, having precise control of our emotions 166 00:07:33,182 --> 00:07:35,183 is what actors do best. 167 00:07:35,184 --> 00:07:36,894 Yeah, the question is can you three do it? 168 00:07:36,895 --> 00:07:38,937 First of all, I am an actor! 169 00:07:38,938 --> 00:07:40,063 Well, let's not go crazy. 170 00:07:40,064 --> 00:07:43,859 But also, I'm entirely capable of catching the killer of my dear friend 171 00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,905 who only wanted to open a trampoline park so young-- 172 00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:53,493 I need to lie down. 173 00:07:53,494 --> 00:07:56,205 [production set chatter continues] 174 00:07:56,206 --> 00:07:59,250 Where the fuck is my bedroom?! 175 00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,877 - [Oliver growls] - [♪ gentle plucky music playing] 176 00:08:01,878 --> 00:08:04,004 [Mabel] I hope Charles can hold it together. 177 00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:07,466 Confronting a friend's killer just brings up a lotta shit. 178 00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:10,053 [device buzzing] 179 00:08:11,137 --> 00:08:12,138 [Oliver growls] 180 00:08:12,513 --> 00:08:14,890 Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores 181 00:08:14,891 --> 00:08:18,936 with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool. 182 00:08:18,937 --> 00:08:20,521 This is the infrared setting. 183 00:08:20,522 --> 00:08:22,314 Yeah, it's also a nail gun, 184 00:08:22,315 --> 00:08:25,317 has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head. 185 00:08:25,318 --> 00:08:27,945 - [Oliver laughs] - [cell phone ringing] 186 00:08:27,946 --> 00:08:29,947 - Hello? - [Loretta Durkin] [on phone] Hi! 187 00:08:29,948 --> 00:08:32,741 - Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée. - [Loretta giggles] 188 00:08:32,742 --> 00:08:35,827 We're getting married this weekend! [laughs] 189 00:08:35,828 --> 00:08:37,704 [in Cary Grant impression] Hello, my darling love. 190 00:08:37,705 --> 00:08:38,789 This weekend? 191 00:08:38,790 --> 00:08:41,875 I know, he's a little old to have a shotgun wedding. 192 00:08:41,876 --> 00:08:44,963 Yeah. More like a musket wedding. [wheezing laugh] 193 00:08:47,465 --> 00:08:48,716 Where did he go? 194 00:08:49,384 --> 00:08:50,384 [multitool buzzing stops] 195 00:08:50,385 --> 00:08:53,053 Hey, look, it's also a recorder. 196 00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,138 [clicks button] 197 00:08:54,556 --> 00:08:56,808 [sing-songy] ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 198 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,977 [recorder plays] [auto-tuned] ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 199 00:08:59,978 --> 00:09:02,855 It has auto-tune. [giggles] You wanna try it? 200 00:09:02,856 --> 00:09:05,942 Uh, don't-- Definitely don't wanna touch that. 201 00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:08,236 [clicks button, buzzing resumes] 202 00:09:08,820 --> 00:09:09,945 - Yeah. Okay. - [Loretta] Yeah. 203 00:09:09,946 --> 00:09:12,197 No, no, honey. I-I will-- I will handle it all. 204 00:09:12,198 --> 00:09:14,324 - [Loretta] I can't believe we're here. - I know. It's exciting. 205 00:09:14,325 --> 00:09:15,784 Uh, no, I'll, I'll make the arrangements. 206 00:09:15,785 --> 00:09:17,452 Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye. 207 00:09:17,453 --> 00:09:19,872 - [production set chatter] - [Oliver sighs] 208 00:09:19,873 --> 00:09:20,957 [Zach] Hey, that's my seat. 209 00:09:21,916 --> 00:09:23,917 Oh! [laughs] Of course it is. 210 00:09:23,918 --> 00:09:25,837 I, uh, I keep forgetting. 211 00:09:26,504 --> 00:09:28,714 - Okay. - We getting married this weekend? 212 00:09:28,715 --> 00:09:30,007 I am. 213 00:09:30,008 --> 00:09:32,510 Please don't tell me you're gonna do it at a courthouse. 214 00:09:33,428 --> 00:09:35,470 Weddings demand spectacle. 215 00:09:35,471 --> 00:09:38,307 Music, speeches, AK-47s shot right up in the air. 216 00:09:38,308 --> 00:09:40,435 Zach, I didn't realize you were a fellow romantic. 217 00:09:40,977 --> 00:09:43,770 Weddings are the most important part of a marriage. 218 00:09:43,771 --> 00:09:45,355 My wife and I get married quarterly. 219 00:09:45,356 --> 00:09:48,150 The venue sets the tone for your life together. 220 00:09:48,151 --> 00:09:50,485 When we want playfulness, we get married at the beach. 221 00:09:50,486 --> 00:09:52,362 If we've been fighting, then... 222 00:09:52,363 --> 00:09:54,364 it's at the site of an important armistice. 223 00:09:54,365 --> 00:09:56,951 Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David. 224 00:09:57,577 --> 00:09:59,369 We needed a lot of those. 225 00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:02,956 - Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine. - Oh, she's right. It's perfect 226 00:10:02,957 --> 00:10:04,626 'cause you'll be right back there for the divorce. 227 00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:06,793 - Zach? - Yes. 228 00:10:06,794 --> 00:10:09,213 - We're rehearsing scene 13. - Which one is that one? 229 00:10:09,214 --> 00:10:12,007 The one where Oliver explains why his previous marriage failed. 230 00:10:12,008 --> 00:10:13,468 Oh. 231 00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:16,262 - [set bell rings] - [set chatter continues] 232 00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:19,473 Are you okay, Charles? 233 00:10:19,474 --> 00:10:22,935 I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry. 234 00:10:22,936 --> 00:10:26,523 And to be honest, it would layer my performance if I could, uh, 235 00:10:27,232 --> 00:10:28,774 see what it looks like. 236 00:10:28,775 --> 00:10:31,026 Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no, 237 00:10:31,027 --> 00:10:33,028 uh, you'll not see what it looks like 238 00:10:33,029 --> 00:10:35,697 because it's not socially acceptable. 239 00:10:35,698 --> 00:10:37,324 Eugene, you wanna practice flipping omelets? 240 00:10:37,325 --> 00:10:39,826 Oh, the infamous omelet bit. Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks. 241 00:10:39,827 --> 00:10:41,203 I'll, uh, practice. Anyway, 242 00:10:41,204 --> 00:10:44,081 I'm curious. I mean, a-are-are you a yeller? 243 00:10:44,082 --> 00:10:46,583 - Do you get violent? - Oh, no. Worse. 244 00:10:46,584 --> 00:10:48,835 But it hasn't happened in decades because of my 245 00:10:48,836 --> 00:10:51,296 emotion suppression technique, 246 00:10:51,297 --> 00:10:55,092 which involves breathing and a lot of, 247 00:10:55,093 --> 00:10:57,178 uh, room straightening. 248 00:10:58,471 --> 00:10:59,472 [omelet splats] 249 00:10:59,973 --> 00:11:00,974 [Charles gasps] 250 00:11:06,521 --> 00:11:09,898 [♪ gentle plucky music playing] 251 00:11:09,899 --> 00:11:11,442 There you go. 252 00:11:12,151 --> 00:11:13,152 [Eugene clears throat] 253 00:11:14,153 --> 00:11:15,154 This bother you? 254 00:11:17,156 --> 00:11:18,658 - No. - This bother you? 255 00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:22,619 - No. - [Eugene Levy] Does this bother you? 256 00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:24,162 Why are you doing that? 257 00:11:24,163 --> 00:11:25,623 - Does this... - [Charles yelps] 258 00:11:30,295 --> 00:11:32,505 ♪ 259 00:11:35,049 --> 00:11:36,384 [quiet street noise] 260 00:11:36,926 --> 00:11:38,927 Okay, they'll be here any minute. 261 00:11:38,928 --> 00:11:41,388 Now, I know we're all running hot. We have a podcast, 262 00:11:41,389 --> 00:11:43,974 two murders, a wedding, 263 00:11:43,975 --> 00:11:45,225 but we're gonna stay calm. 264 00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:47,436 Well, we can stay calm way more than you can stay calm. 265 00:11:47,437 --> 00:11:50,064 - It's not a competition. - It's now a competition. 266 00:11:50,607 --> 00:11:52,816 I've set my sphincter to clenching, 267 00:11:52,817 --> 00:11:55,319 - unclenching, re-clenching. - [knocking on door] 268 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,405 - It's them. It's them. - Okay. Okay. 269 00:11:59,115 --> 00:12:01,700 Maybe I could throw together a wedding booze cruise. 270 00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:03,368 That's the blueprint you want for your marriage? 271 00:12:03,369 --> 00:12:05,204 You're freezing, you end up nowhere, 272 00:12:05,205 --> 00:12:06,622 and the maid of honor fucks the skipper? 273 00:12:06,623 --> 00:12:08,540 - [knocking on door] - [Oliver snorts] 274 00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:10,793 - [Charles] Come on, come on, come on. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 275 00:12:13,713 --> 00:12:14,714 [knocking] 276 00:12:17,217 --> 00:12:19,051 Oh, hell-o! 277 00:12:19,052 --> 00:12:20,427 [laughter] 278 00:12:20,428 --> 00:12:22,054 We brought snacks. 279 00:12:22,055 --> 00:12:24,473 [Inez] Can't play cards without jamón! 280 00:12:24,474 --> 00:12:26,183 [Alfonso] That's right, mami. 281 00:12:26,184 --> 00:12:27,726 Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming. 282 00:12:27,727 --> 00:12:29,561 We figured we'd host since it's a big group. 283 00:12:29,562 --> 00:12:32,397 Ah, please. Any friends of yours are friends of ours. 284 00:12:32,398 --> 00:12:34,733 Especially if they're Hollywood stars. 285 00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:37,486 - [laughter] - You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch, 286 00:12:37,487 --> 00:12:39,530 but I'm winking playfully. 287 00:12:39,531 --> 00:12:40,614 [laughter] 288 00:12:40,615 --> 00:12:42,241 - [door slams, lock clicks] - [Mabel and Eva gasp] 289 00:12:42,242 --> 00:12:43,450 Let's go. 290 00:12:43,451 --> 00:12:44,576 [knife slices] 291 00:12:44,577 --> 00:12:46,537 We know you know about the checks. 292 00:12:46,538 --> 00:12:48,622 Give us your phones now! 293 00:12:48,623 --> 00:12:51,458 [♪ dramatic music playing] 294 00:12:51,459 --> 00:12:52,543 [Oliver grumbles] 295 00:12:52,544 --> 00:12:54,545 ♪ 296 00:12:54,546 --> 00:12:55,629 [Eva mutters] 297 00:12:55,630 --> 00:12:58,758 ♪ 298 00:13:01,808 --> 00:13:03,929 [♪ suspenseful music playing] 299 00:13:03,930 --> 00:13:06,515 - So, what's your move now, Vince? - [Vince] You're gonna sit there, 300 00:13:06,516 --> 00:13:08,559 you're gonna listen to our story. 301 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,478 Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm. 302 00:13:11,104 --> 00:13:13,981 Although killers do always tell you their story before they kill you. 303 00:13:13,982 --> 00:13:18,485 They're gonna try to humanize themselves with long origin stories. 304 00:13:18,486 --> 00:13:20,863 Exactly. Like if we had gone through that, 305 00:13:20,864 --> 00:13:22,823 we would've killed and eaten Dudenoff, too. 306 00:13:22,824 --> 00:13:25,285 - We didn't eat him. - Yeah, but you killed him, right? 307 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,122 Okay. So, 308 00:13:29,706 --> 00:13:31,916 Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant. 309 00:13:32,292 --> 00:13:35,419 Milton and his wife were regulars, until she passed. 310 00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:37,963 Then, he started ordering in. 311 00:13:37,964 --> 00:13:41,466 And when we were understaffed, we delivered to him on our way home. 312 00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,635 Oh, hell! - [indistinct chatter] 313 00:13:43,636 --> 00:13:45,929 [Ana] He looked so alone in his little studio. 314 00:13:45,930 --> 00:13:49,474 [Inez] He invited us in. We started playing cards. 315 00:13:49,475 --> 00:13:52,060 [Alfonso] Oh Hell on Friday nights. 316 00:13:52,061 --> 00:13:53,896 It started to become a regular thing. 317 00:13:53,897 --> 00:13:56,106 - [Dudenoff] Please, please. - Okay. So, the, uh, 318 00:13:56,107 --> 00:14:00,152 the secret ingredient here is Jamón Ibérico. 319 00:14:00,153 --> 00:14:03,739 - Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do. - [Alfonso] Oh, thank you. 320 00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:05,616 Our dream, actually, is to, uh, 321 00:14:05,617 --> 00:14:08,660 start our own line of sauces. And I-I know this sounds crazy, 322 00:14:08,661 --> 00:14:11,205 but Tony Danza would be an investor. 323 00:14:11,206 --> 00:14:12,289 [soft laughter] 324 00:14:12,290 --> 00:14:13,540 [Eugene] So, you killed him 325 00:14:13,541 --> 00:14:18,420 because he didn't deliver the last piece of the dream? 326 00:14:18,421 --> 00:14:20,339 Don't say Tony Danza. 327 00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:22,257 Sauce Dad said it first! 328 00:14:22,258 --> 00:14:23,926 - We didn't kill him! - Never. 329 00:14:23,927 --> 00:14:25,802 - Yeah. We definitely did not kill him. - We loved him. 330 00:14:25,803 --> 00:14:28,430 - Then, Crazy Rudy killed him. - Crazy? Me? 331 00:14:28,431 --> 00:14:31,808 [♪ "Deck The Halls" playing from sweater] 332 00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:32,935 [Rudy sighs] 333 00:14:32,936 --> 00:14:34,896 I don't know why I keep replacing the battery. 334 00:14:36,022 --> 00:14:37,398 Lovely. 335 00:14:38,149 --> 00:14:40,609 I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago. 336 00:14:40,610 --> 00:14:42,236 I was trying to be an actor, 337 00:14:42,237 --> 00:14:45,030 I was holding down five jobs, and I signed up for his class. 338 00:14:45,031 --> 00:14:46,532 I remember my first acting class. 339 00:14:46,533 --> 00:14:47,950 It was a film class. 340 00:14:47,951 --> 00:14:51,036 It was in a closet of a basement of a subway stop. 341 00:14:51,037 --> 00:14:52,997 Most of my scene partners were sex workers. 342 00:14:54,123 --> 00:14:55,332 [Rudy Thurber] Okay. [clears throat] 343 00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:59,169 One day, we watched A Few Good Men in Professor Dudenoff's class. 344 00:14:59,170 --> 00:15:01,630 I ran up to him afterwards on the street, and I said, 345 00:15:01,631 --> 00:15:05,133 I'd studied a monologue from that film for my previous class. 346 00:15:05,134 --> 00:15:07,761 He asked me to do it, and I did. 347 00:15:07,762 --> 00:15:10,764 I did the whole thing, right there at the bus stop. 348 00:15:10,765 --> 00:15:13,058 - It went something like this. - Oh... 349 00:15:13,059 --> 00:15:14,810 "You want answers?" "I think I'm entitled." 350 00:15:14,811 --> 00:15:16,687 "You want answers?" "I want the truth!" 351 00:15:16,688 --> 00:15:18,856 - "You can't handle the truth! - [Oliver mouthing along] 352 00:15:18,857 --> 00:15:20,357 "Son, we live in a world that has walls, 353 00:15:20,358 --> 00:15:22,401 "and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. 354 00:15:22,402 --> 00:15:23,485 "Who's gonna do it? You? 355 00:15:23,486 --> 00:15:25,153 "You, Lieutenant Weinberg? 356 00:15:25,154 --> 00:15:26,280 I have a greater respons--" 357 00:15:26,281 --> 00:15:28,240 I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do the whole monologue? 358 00:15:28,241 --> 00:15:31,244 Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing. I think it's worth it. 359 00:15:32,328 --> 00:15:35,622 "I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! 360 00:15:35,623 --> 00:15:37,249 "You weep for Santiago... Saves lives... 361 00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:41,128 "My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. 362 00:15:41,129 --> 00:15:42,796 "You don't want the truth because, deep down, 363 00:15:42,797 --> 00:15:44,840 "in places you don't talk about at parties, 364 00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:46,675 "you want me on that wall! 365 00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:48,343 "You need me on that wall... 366 00:15:48,344 --> 00:15:50,470 "Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. 367 00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:54,224 Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!" 368 00:15:54,225 --> 00:15:56,602 "Did you order the code red?" "I did the job." 369 00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:59,354 "Did you order the code red?" "You're goddamn right I did!" 370 00:15:59,355 --> 00:16:02,649 - Oh... Oh, that was wonderful. - [Rudy panting] 371 00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:03,734 ♪ 372 00:16:03,735 --> 00:16:04,943 I blew his socks off. 373 00:16:04,944 --> 00:16:08,447 And he invited me back to his place at the Arconia. 374 00:16:08,448 --> 00:16:10,532 - That's my jam. - And this? What's this? 375 00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:12,618 Uh, that is a ham radio. 376 00:16:12,619 --> 00:16:14,161 What do you do with a ham radio? 377 00:16:14,162 --> 00:16:17,122 No, it's just-- it's just a hobby, you know? A-And a very... 378 00:16:17,123 --> 00:16:19,625 [Rudy] Of course, I got my own ham radio. 379 00:16:19,626 --> 00:16:21,293 And ultimately, we all did. 380 00:16:21,294 --> 00:16:23,462 And Professor Dudenoff looked at me. 381 00:16:23,463 --> 00:16:24,838 He said... 382 00:16:24,839 --> 00:16:26,965 You know, you're really very good, Rudy. 383 00:16:26,966 --> 00:16:28,926 Thank you. That... 384 00:16:28,927 --> 00:16:30,011 That means a lot to me. 385 00:16:31,679 --> 00:16:33,096 [sighing] 386 00:16:33,097 --> 00:16:34,682 Let me ask you somethin'. 387 00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:38,353 If your life were a movie, 388 00:16:39,812 --> 00:16:41,939 what would be your happy ending? 389 00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:44,483 And that's when he touched your Santa sack, 390 00:16:44,484 --> 00:16:45,651 and you had your "happy ending." 391 00:16:45,652 --> 00:16:47,444 - [Mabel] Eva! - [Eva] What? 392 00:16:47,445 --> 00:16:49,571 [Rudy] No! I said I wanted to stay in the city, 393 00:16:49,572 --> 00:16:51,907 keep performing, keep trying, 394 00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:55,452 and live with fewer roommates who use towels as toilet paper. 395 00:16:55,453 --> 00:16:57,955 That was my dream. 396 00:16:57,956 --> 00:17:01,041 So, Charles, that leaves 397 00:17:01,042 --> 00:17:02,793 your "friend" Vince. 398 00:17:02,794 --> 00:17:05,963 He exposed you to pink eye, and what did you get? 399 00:17:05,964 --> 00:17:07,464 Lies! 400 00:17:07,465 --> 00:17:08,924 And, likely, pink eye. 401 00:17:08,925 --> 00:17:12,053 Come on, doesn't that make you... angry? 402 00:17:12,887 --> 00:17:14,513 [Charles quietly wheezes] 403 00:17:14,514 --> 00:17:16,265 Oh, I'm fine. 404 00:17:16,266 --> 00:17:17,432 I'm suppressing, 405 00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:19,601 and I'm suppressing, and suppressing, 406 00:17:19,602 --> 00:17:21,688 and I'm... good. 407 00:17:22,814 --> 00:17:25,524 Alright. Since none of you seem 408 00:17:25,525 --> 00:17:27,986 to be on the verge of a psychotic break. 409 00:17:28,862 --> 00:17:30,863 Before my wife died, she made me promise 410 00:17:30,864 --> 00:17:33,740 that I wouldn't turn into one of those weird lonely old men. 411 00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:35,617 Now, we both loved movies, 412 00:17:35,618 --> 00:17:38,871 so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer for his film class, 413 00:17:38,872 --> 00:17:43,000 I thought that this way was her way of telling me to go out and make friends. 414 00:17:43,001 --> 00:17:45,586 But, oh, those kids... 415 00:17:45,587 --> 00:17:49,381 [♪ "Auld Lang Syne" playing] 416 00:17:49,382 --> 00:17:53,428 ♪ Lang... Syne! ♪ 417 00:17:54,137 --> 00:17:56,638 - [♪ song ends] - [Dudenoff] You know, the reason 418 00:17:56,639 --> 00:18:02,645 It's A Wonderful Life is timeless comes down to one thing. 419 00:18:04,147 --> 00:18:06,523 Casting. You know, 420 00:18:06,524 --> 00:18:09,611 if you can populate your story 421 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,821 with the right people, 422 00:18:13,281 --> 00:18:14,740 your work will live forever. 423 00:18:14,741 --> 00:18:17,451 [sighs] Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless. 424 00:18:17,452 --> 00:18:19,244 It's pro-capitalist gaslighting! 425 00:18:19,245 --> 00:18:20,913 George Bailey's life still sucks, 426 00:18:20,914 --> 00:18:23,499 - and Potter just gets away with it. - [Vince] [emotional] No! 427 00:18:24,292 --> 00:18:26,043 No, you missed the point! [sniffles] 428 00:18:26,044 --> 00:18:28,629 George ends up with his family. Potter's all alone. 429 00:18:28,630 --> 00:18:30,797 - I like being alone. - [scattered laughter] 430 00:18:30,798 --> 00:18:33,884 Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience. 431 00:18:33,885 --> 00:18:35,845 [sniffles] But being really alone? 432 00:18:37,347 --> 00:18:39,973 There's nothing worse. You don't smile, you don't laugh, 433 00:18:39,974 --> 00:18:43,018 you stop caring about what food tastes like 'cause... 434 00:18:43,019 --> 00:18:44,103 [sniffles] 435 00:18:45,104 --> 00:18:47,731 you still wake up alone again without her. 436 00:18:47,732 --> 00:18:48,815 Every class... 437 00:18:48,816 --> 00:18:51,109 But Dudenoff, him I liked. 438 00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:53,612 "...hates poor people. This movie hates trees." 439 00:18:53,613 --> 00:18:55,280 Why do they have to be so mad all the time? 440 00:18:55,281 --> 00:18:57,950 - This world's a dumpster fire. - [Vince] It sure is. 441 00:18:57,951 --> 00:19:00,494 In this city, you know, kid, 442 00:19:00,495 --> 00:19:04,706 you can't even afford an apartment unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it. 443 00:19:04,707 --> 00:19:08,126 - And why can't a movie just be a movie? - [Dudenoff sighs] 444 00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:10,087 [♪ soft music playing] 445 00:19:10,088 --> 00:19:12,256 Jack Lemmon in The Apartment. I-I-I didn't know that... 446 00:19:12,257 --> 00:19:14,758 [Vince] And he invited me to join his weekly card game. 447 00:19:14,759 --> 00:19:16,218 [Dudenoff] I-I feel empathetic. 448 00:19:16,219 --> 00:19:18,804 [Vince] I had no idea why he knew we'd click... 449 00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:20,138 [muffled chatter] 450 00:19:20,139 --> 00:19:22,599 - ...but we did. - [Rudy chuckles] 451 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,769 His wife had been a music teacher. Back when the city was cheap, 452 00:19:25,770 --> 00:19:28,230 whenever a unit would open up on their floor, 453 00:19:28,231 --> 00:19:31,483 they would grab it. You know, she'd use it for music classes or, 454 00:19:31,484 --> 00:19:35,029 you know, uh, let a kid stay there if he was going through tough times. 455 00:19:35,780 --> 00:19:36,780 But with her gone, 456 00:19:36,781 --> 00:19:41,035 Professor Dudenoff was living amid, um, an empty hallway. 457 00:19:41,786 --> 00:19:44,080 He just couldn't bear to give up those apartments. 458 00:19:45,582 --> 00:19:48,376 And one night, after many hours of Oh Hell, 459 00:19:50,962 --> 00:19:54,256 he decided that he wasn't going to turn into 460 00:19:54,257 --> 00:19:57,343 one of those weird lonely old men. 461 00:19:58,887 --> 00:20:00,889 He broke the law for us, 462 00:20:01,347 --> 00:20:04,391 so that we could have a chance at our dreams. 463 00:20:04,392 --> 00:20:06,184 But he had a dream, too. 464 00:20:06,185 --> 00:20:07,645 To live in Portugal. 465 00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:10,190 And he left. And, no, 466 00:20:10,857 --> 00:20:14,234 - we haven't heard from him since. - [Alfonso] And, yes, 467 00:20:14,235 --> 00:20:16,695 we've been keeping up the ruse and... 468 00:20:16,696 --> 00:20:19,240 cashing his checks. 469 00:20:20,116 --> 00:20:21,909 So that's the whole thing? 470 00:20:21,910 --> 00:20:25,037 Yeah, we could do it again if you like. I could do a comedy version if you want-- 471 00:20:25,038 --> 00:20:26,455 [overlapping "Nos"] 472 00:20:26,456 --> 00:20:28,207 - Thank you. - [Oliver] Oh God, no. 473 00:20:28,208 --> 00:20:30,501 - Okay, I think we're done here. - [doorbell rings] 474 00:20:31,502 --> 00:20:32,503 Not yet. 475 00:20:34,172 --> 00:20:35,714 It's ding-dong time. 476 00:20:35,715 --> 00:20:38,133 [gasps] You pulled a ding-dong? 477 00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:39,468 - It was a good idea. - [door opens] 478 00:20:39,469 --> 00:20:40,553 [♪ tense sting] 479 00:20:41,554 --> 00:20:43,765 - [door shuts] - [♪ suspenseful music playing] 480 00:20:45,141 --> 00:20:47,143 - [Westies gasp] - Helga?! 481 00:20:48,311 --> 00:20:49,728 What are you doing here? 482 00:20:49,729 --> 00:20:52,731 Mabel reached out on the ham radio. 483 00:20:52,732 --> 00:20:54,943 I'm here to tell the truth. 484 00:20:55,902 --> 00:20:58,196 We can't handle the truth. 485 00:21:01,409 --> 00:21:03,909 [♪ curious music playing] 486 00:21:03,910 --> 00:21:05,869 [Charles] You're Helga? 487 00:21:05,870 --> 00:21:07,913 I imagined you toothless with a club. 488 00:21:07,914 --> 00:21:10,249 [scoffs] Disregard him, Helga. 489 00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:13,253 His brain is covered with plaque. Please go on. 490 00:21:14,337 --> 00:21:17,881 I-I first met Dudenoff when I'd just become a locksmith, 491 00:21:17,882 --> 00:21:19,675 which was my childhood dream. 492 00:21:19,676 --> 00:21:20,759 Wait? Really? 493 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:24,137 No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot. 494 00:21:24,138 --> 00:21:28,017 So, my father died and left me the business. 495 00:21:28,768 --> 00:21:32,271 He was all I had until I met Dudenoff. 496 00:21:32,272 --> 00:21:35,859 [♪ muffled "Perfect Strangers" theme song playing] 497 00:21:37,402 --> 00:21:38,862 [♪ Dudenoff humming along] 498 00:21:39,654 --> 00:21:41,154 [sings] ♪ Standing tall ♪ 499 00:21:41,155 --> 00:21:43,073 You know, it's before your time, 500 00:21:43,074 --> 00:21:44,658 but that's the theme song to-- 501 00:21:44,659 --> 00:21:47,202 It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know. 502 00:21:47,203 --> 00:21:48,663 Yes. 503 00:21:49,414 --> 00:21:51,290 - Yeah. - You know, I've never met anyone 504 00:21:51,291 --> 00:21:53,001 - who loses their keys this often. - [lock clicks] 505 00:21:54,168 --> 00:21:57,504 Some people your age put it on a retractable belt... 506 00:21:57,505 --> 00:22:00,550 It's not dementia. I always lose my keys. I-- 507 00:22:01,384 --> 00:22:04,636 My wife used to let me in, but... 508 00:22:04,637 --> 00:22:07,724 [♪ theme song continues] 509 00:22:09,017 --> 00:22:11,560 - Okay! - [lock buzzes] 510 00:22:11,561 --> 00:22:13,312 - Ah, look at that. - [Helga] So, uh, 511 00:22:13,313 --> 00:22:16,024 what is a code that someone your age can remember? 512 00:22:17,942 --> 00:22:20,652 [sighs] How about, um, 513 00:22:20,653 --> 00:22:21,821 "Oh Hell"? 514 00:22:22,405 --> 00:22:24,072 Wait, like the card game? 515 00:22:24,073 --> 00:22:25,824 - You know it? - [Helga] My father and I 516 00:22:25,825 --> 00:22:27,576 used to play all the time. 517 00:22:27,577 --> 00:22:29,579 I haven't since he died. 518 00:22:30,163 --> 00:22:31,872 [sighs] I'm sorry, 519 00:22:31,873 --> 00:22:34,208 you just look so much like him. 520 00:22:34,209 --> 00:22:35,918 Except, uh, he was tall. 521 00:22:35,919 --> 00:22:38,045 And blonde. And hot. 522 00:22:38,046 --> 00:22:39,130 [Dudenoff chuckles] 523 00:22:40,715 --> 00:22:43,301 Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers. 524 00:22:44,344 --> 00:22:45,595 Huh... 525 00:22:46,846 --> 00:22:49,389 You know, uh, 526 00:22:49,390 --> 00:22:51,683 we have this little card game Friday nights. 527 00:22:51,684 --> 00:22:53,685 [Helga] And that is how I met the gang. 528 00:22:53,686 --> 00:22:56,230 - Why not? - [Alfonso] Mm! Mm! 529 00:22:56,231 --> 00:22:58,857 [Helga] Yeah, I was there, too. 530 00:22:58,858 --> 00:23:01,151 I'm sure they didn't mention that. 531 00:23:01,152 --> 00:23:03,320 - Wow. - [Alfonso] Yeah! 532 00:23:03,321 --> 00:23:05,656 [Helga] At first, they were the nicest group of people 533 00:23:05,657 --> 00:23:07,783 I had met in New York City, 534 00:23:07,784 --> 00:23:10,786 a place I'd always wanted to call home. 535 00:23:10,787 --> 00:23:13,372 [Inez] Helga, so where do you live, honey? 536 00:23:13,373 --> 00:23:15,082 Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel. 537 00:23:15,083 --> 00:23:17,292 It's only 85 train stops away. 538 00:23:17,293 --> 00:23:18,835 You'd love it. 539 00:23:18,836 --> 00:23:21,755 Then, he gave us these nice cheap apartments, 540 00:23:21,756 --> 00:23:24,174 and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers 541 00:23:24,175 --> 00:23:26,677 into a family. 542 00:23:26,678 --> 00:23:28,762 But a few years later... 543 00:23:28,763 --> 00:23:30,764 [♪ somber music playing] 544 00:23:30,765 --> 00:23:32,267 ...he was gone. 545 00:23:33,268 --> 00:23:34,269 [keys jingle] 546 00:23:36,187 --> 00:23:38,230 Said he felt bad doing it in a note, 547 00:23:38,231 --> 00:23:40,858 but he'd had enough of goodbyes. 548 00:23:40,859 --> 00:23:42,151 He was off to Portugal. 549 00:23:42,902 --> 00:23:46,948 After helping us with our dreams, he wanted to live his. 550 00:23:47,365 --> 00:23:49,658 - [power snaps, whirs down] - [♪ music stops suddenly] 551 00:23:49,659 --> 00:23:51,743 - [lights click, power whirs back] - [♪ music restarts] 552 00:23:51,744 --> 00:23:55,664 I knew the power only surged when the old incinerator was used, 553 00:23:55,665 --> 00:23:58,667 but I didn't suspect anything. Yet... 554 00:23:58,668 --> 00:23:59,877 [podcast playing on phone] 555 00:23:59,878 --> 00:24:03,505 Suddenly, we all went from talking every day to nothing. 556 00:24:03,506 --> 00:24:05,257 Total silence. 557 00:24:05,258 --> 00:24:07,676 And then, your podcast started. 558 00:24:07,677 --> 00:24:09,428 [Mabel] [on podcast] One thing was for sure. 559 00:24:09,429 --> 00:24:12,097 Someone in the Arconia was hiding something. 560 00:24:12,098 --> 00:24:14,850 [Oliver] [on podcast] A homicidal freak who poisoned a perfect, 561 00:24:14,851 --> 00:24:16,352 if gassy, dog. 562 00:24:17,645 --> 00:24:20,189 [Helga] Everyone was acting so secretive. 563 00:24:20,190 --> 00:24:21,273 Helga! 564 00:24:21,274 --> 00:24:23,025 [Helga] I listened to the podcast. 565 00:24:23,026 --> 00:24:24,902 All those unexplained things 566 00:24:24,903 --> 00:24:27,279 someone in the building was doing to scare you. 567 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:31,617 What if it was them trying to cover up what they had done? 568 00:24:31,618 --> 00:24:33,285 Let's play cards. 569 00:24:33,286 --> 00:24:35,704 [Helga] And I started to wonder. 570 00:24:35,705 --> 00:24:37,789 [group murmuring] 571 00:24:37,790 --> 00:24:38,957 Please. 572 00:24:38,958 --> 00:24:41,752 [Helga] Why did the power surge that night? 573 00:24:41,753 --> 00:24:45,798 I couldn't prove they had anything to do with Dudenoff's disappearance, 574 00:24:47,383 --> 00:24:49,176 but I knew in my bones 575 00:24:49,177 --> 00:24:50,844 I had to move out. 576 00:24:50,845 --> 00:24:52,054 They killed him! 577 00:24:52,055 --> 00:24:53,513 - [Inez gasps] - We didn't! 578 00:24:53,514 --> 00:24:56,433 - No, no! He went to Portugal. - Dead men don't send ham! 579 00:24:56,434 --> 00:24:58,435 Then, what's this? 580 00:24:58,436 --> 00:24:59,978 I can't see. 581 00:24:59,979 --> 00:25:01,980 I actually don't know. What is that? 582 00:25:01,981 --> 00:25:04,316 - Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder. - [all gasp] 583 00:25:04,317 --> 00:25:07,528 It was in the incinerator. You killed and burned him that night. 584 00:25:07,529 --> 00:25:09,988 And when Sazz figured it out, you killed and burned her, too. 585 00:25:09,989 --> 00:25:12,824 And when we tried to look into that, you tried to kill me! 586 00:25:12,825 --> 00:25:15,744 Yeah, another way to put that is you actually shot me. 587 00:25:15,745 --> 00:25:18,330 What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? 588 00:25:18,331 --> 00:25:19,874 These people are murderers! 589 00:25:20,583 --> 00:25:24,336 I'm tired of being the nice guy here with no temper! 590 00:25:24,337 --> 00:25:26,838 I'm a Canadian man connected 591 00:25:26,839 --> 00:25:29,216 to his rage right now! 592 00:25:29,217 --> 00:25:32,470 And [laughs] God, it feels so good! 593 00:25:33,429 --> 00:25:35,973 Charles, tantrum with me. 594 00:25:35,974 --> 00:25:37,683 No, no, no. 595 00:25:37,684 --> 00:25:40,686 They incinerated your friend, Charles. 596 00:25:40,687 --> 00:25:44,022 - And then plied you with word games... - No. [laughs] No. No. 597 00:25:44,023 --> 00:25:46,568 ...from the New York Times! 598 00:25:49,237 --> 00:25:51,405 [gasping, quiet wheezing] 599 00:25:51,406 --> 00:25:54,116 [♪ curious music playing] 600 00:25:54,117 --> 00:25:55,869 - So far, I'm underwhelmed. - [coasters clatter] 601 00:25:56,786 --> 00:25:58,495 [gasping breaths] 602 00:25:58,496 --> 00:25:59,955 [Oliver] Uh-huh... 603 00:25:59,956 --> 00:26:02,332 - [barely audible wheezing] - Yes. Interesting. 604 00:26:02,333 --> 00:26:04,334 Is this how I find out he's a mime? 605 00:26:04,335 --> 00:26:06,837 No, no, no. We can't hear him, but I'm so tuned into his character, 606 00:26:06,838 --> 00:26:09,715 I can feel his words. He's saying... 607 00:26:09,716 --> 00:26:12,009 [barely audible wheezing] 608 00:26:12,010 --> 00:26:13,887 ..."These people killed Sazz! 609 00:26:14,762 --> 00:26:17,599 "I am steamed... and put out! 610 00:26:18,141 --> 00:26:20,475 - To some degree." - [Vince] Oh, the hell with this! 611 00:26:20,476 --> 00:26:22,353 - Gimme that! Helga! - [indistinct yelling] 612 00:26:23,438 --> 00:26:26,648 You're not the only one who got a note the night that Dudenoff died. 613 00:26:26,649 --> 00:26:27,734 Now, everybody, 614 00:26:28,943 --> 00:26:30,737 come with me! 615 00:26:33,948 --> 00:26:36,951 [♪ mysterious music playing] 616 00:26:41,539 --> 00:26:43,541 We all got notes that night. 617 00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:46,502 Only ours were different. 618 00:26:49,088 --> 00:26:51,965 [Rudy] "You are cordially invited to my funeral. 619 00:26:51,966 --> 00:26:54,260 Midnight, in the basement. Don't tell Helga." 620 00:26:55,553 --> 00:26:57,763 - [Alfonso] What the fuck? - Funeral? 621 00:26:57,764 --> 00:26:59,514 I don't like it. 622 00:26:59,515 --> 00:27:01,683 Come on. Let's go. 623 00:27:01,684 --> 00:27:04,561 - [Ana sighs] - [Alfonso] Come on, come on. 624 00:27:04,562 --> 00:27:07,649 [♪ music building] 625 00:27:12,153 --> 00:27:13,654 [service elevator rattling] 626 00:27:13,655 --> 00:27:16,240 [overlapping chatter] 627 00:27:16,241 --> 00:27:18,700 Hey! Milton, what's going on? 628 00:27:18,701 --> 00:27:21,954 - Hey-- Okay-- - [overlapping chatter continues] 629 00:27:21,955 --> 00:27:24,414 Hey, can I just talk?! Can I? 630 00:27:24,415 --> 00:27:25,666 - Yeah. - Of course. 631 00:27:25,667 --> 00:27:27,125 [Dudenoff] Uh, so, 632 00:27:27,126 --> 00:27:30,588 you know I'm always saying a movie is only as good as its cast? 633 00:27:32,257 --> 00:27:34,759 Now, I'm just a teacher. I never got to make... 634 00:27:35,385 --> 00:27:36,636 my own movie. 635 00:27:37,262 --> 00:27:38,762 But I'll tell you this. 636 00:27:38,763 --> 00:27:41,682 If our lives were a movie... 637 00:27:41,683 --> 00:27:43,392 [laughs] 638 00:27:43,393 --> 00:27:45,602 I cast the shit outta this one. 639 00:27:45,603 --> 00:27:47,063 [soft laughter] 640 00:27:48,356 --> 00:27:51,651 Professor, what exactly are we doing here? 641 00:27:52,318 --> 00:27:54,320 Well, uh... 642 00:27:55,488 --> 00:27:57,489 I-I have some medical news. 643 00:27:57,490 --> 00:27:59,576 [weak laugh] Um... 644 00:28:00,702 --> 00:28:02,286 I'm an old guy, so, you know, 645 00:28:02,287 --> 00:28:05,372 it's not like Terms of Endearment sad or anything, 646 00:28:05,373 --> 00:28:08,166 but, you know, I-- Uh... 647 00:28:08,167 --> 00:28:10,043 they tell me I've, uh, only got a few months. 648 00:28:10,044 --> 00:28:11,670 - [shocked chatter] - And so-- 649 00:28:11,671 --> 00:28:15,424 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, you know, when I'm gone... 650 00:28:15,425 --> 00:28:17,384 [♪ somber music playing] 651 00:28:17,385 --> 00:28:20,679 ...uh, this building, they're gonna swoop in and, 652 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,391 you know, tear our cast apart. But, 653 00:28:24,392 --> 00:28:26,685 I have a workaround. 654 00:28:26,686 --> 00:28:28,271 And, uh... 655 00:28:30,565 --> 00:28:34,527 and it's that you will all keep me alive. 656 00:28:36,112 --> 00:28:37,863 W-Well, I mean, actually no 657 00:28:37,864 --> 00:28:41,450 'cause I've just taken a hell of a lot of pills. 658 00:28:41,451 --> 00:28:42,743 [shocked chatter] 659 00:28:42,744 --> 00:28:45,037 I want you, tonight, 660 00:28:45,038 --> 00:28:47,539 to put my body in the incinerator! 661 00:28:47,540 --> 00:28:49,499 - [all yelling] - [Dudenoff] Yes! Yes! 662 00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:53,212 And then, I want you to cash my social security checks, 663 00:28:53,213 --> 00:28:56,299 and I want you to tell everybody I just moved to Portugal. 664 00:28:57,759 --> 00:28:58,760 [sighs] 665 00:28:59,761 --> 00:29:01,178 And you... 666 00:29:01,179 --> 00:29:03,181 you can't tell Helga. 667 00:29:04,015 --> 00:29:07,143 I'm just gonna record a message, you know, in case, uh, 668 00:29:07,769 --> 00:29:11,063 you know, she finds out, and then, she won't blame you. 669 00:29:11,064 --> 00:29:12,397 - We can call an ambulance. - Yeah-- 670 00:29:12,398 --> 00:29:14,984 No, come on, let me do this. Just let-- Just let me do this. 671 00:29:16,736 --> 00:29:19,154 Please. And then, you know, afterwards, 672 00:29:19,155 --> 00:29:21,115 then let's just all hug and shit, okay? 673 00:29:21,699 --> 00:29:23,325 Hey, so, Vince, come on. 674 00:29:23,326 --> 00:29:24,410 [snaps fingers] 675 00:29:24,994 --> 00:29:27,205 Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing. 676 00:29:28,206 --> 00:29:30,082 Come on. One take. 677 00:29:30,083 --> 00:29:33,585 [♪ somber music continues] 678 00:29:33,586 --> 00:29:35,587 - [clicks knob, film whirs] - [Alfonso] It's okay. 679 00:29:35,588 --> 00:29:37,005 It's okay. It's okay. 680 00:29:37,006 --> 00:29:38,550 [camera whirring] 681 00:29:42,679 --> 00:29:46,099 ♪ 682 00:29:46,307 --> 00:29:49,310 [projector whirring] 683 00:29:50,770 --> 00:29:53,565 [Dudenoff] [on film] Hey, Helga. I know you're angry. 684 00:29:54,649 --> 00:29:57,067 But, you know, you had such a, uh, 685 00:29:57,068 --> 00:30:00,446 hard time bouncing back after your dad that I-I had this... 686 00:30:01,614 --> 00:30:04,283 stupid thought that maybe I could... 687 00:30:04,284 --> 00:30:06,870 shield you from another death. 688 00:30:07,662 --> 00:30:08,704 But, if you're watching this, 689 00:30:08,705 --> 00:30:11,291 then, you know, my master plan has gone to hell. 690 00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:14,043 And, hopefully, I haven't. 691 00:30:14,711 --> 00:30:17,129 What can a guy do but try, right? 692 00:30:17,130 --> 00:30:19,215 Here's looking at you, kid. 693 00:30:21,092 --> 00:30:22,093 [film crackles] 694 00:30:23,094 --> 00:30:24,095 [projector clicking] 695 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,307 - We're so sorry, baby. - [Helga sniffling] 696 00:30:28,308 --> 00:30:31,685 Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted, 697 00:30:31,686 --> 00:30:32,896 to keep us all together. 698 00:30:33,771 --> 00:30:35,147 [Vince] Move on back in with us. 699 00:30:35,148 --> 00:30:37,025 - Please. - Please. 700 00:30:37,692 --> 00:30:40,485 It is the only place in New York where I can have a pig. 701 00:30:40,486 --> 00:30:42,487 - [laughter] - [Mabel] Wait. 702 00:30:42,488 --> 00:30:45,741 Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend? 703 00:30:45,742 --> 00:30:47,034 That was another lie? 704 00:30:47,035 --> 00:30:49,494 Yeah, in addition to setting a human on fire, 705 00:30:49,495 --> 00:30:51,580 we also lied about me having a girlfriend. 706 00:30:51,581 --> 00:30:53,165 May God have mercy. 707 00:30:53,166 --> 00:30:55,793 - [♪ gentle music playing] - [Helga sniffles] 708 00:30:56,836 --> 00:30:57,837 [Mabel sighs] 709 00:31:00,632 --> 00:31:01,633 [Eva] Hmm. 710 00:31:04,385 --> 00:31:06,346 So, these are not murderers. 711 00:31:06,971 --> 00:31:08,181 [Eva] No, but... 712 00:31:08,932 --> 00:31:10,224 we've got one hell of a podcast. 713 00:31:10,225 --> 00:31:12,851 - [multitool clicks] - [Alfonso] [auto-tuned] And, yes, 714 00:31:12,852 --> 00:31:16,021 we've been keeping up the ruse and cashing his checks. 715 00:31:16,022 --> 00:31:17,232 Oh God. We're going to jail. 716 00:31:18,525 --> 00:31:19,816 - Well... - [clicks button] 717 00:31:19,817 --> 00:31:21,860 No, you're not. 718 00:31:21,861 --> 00:31:26,199 Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos living in the Arconia. 719 00:31:27,575 --> 00:31:30,828 The podcast brought us together. I don't wanna use it to tear them apart. 720 00:31:32,163 --> 00:31:34,165 - [Westies murmuring] - [quietly] Bless you. 721 00:31:36,584 --> 00:31:39,795 So, humanity's more important to you than the podcast? 722 00:31:39,796 --> 00:31:41,172 - What a revelation. - [Eva] Hmm. 723 00:31:43,424 --> 00:31:47,177 Okay, what if it's not three losers, but, like, a family of losers 724 00:31:47,178 --> 00:31:50,640 who wants to make the world a better place before two of them die? 725 00:31:51,140 --> 00:31:52,599 That's one way to look at it. 726 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:53,684 Yeah. Well, I have more. 727 00:31:53,685 --> 00:31:55,102 - You wanna hear more? - [Mabel] No thanks. 728 00:31:55,103 --> 00:31:57,355 Speaking of family, I should tell you 729 00:31:58,273 --> 00:32:00,315 that I had my assistant's assistant 730 00:32:00,316 --> 00:32:02,901 book you a wedding atop... 731 00:32:02,902 --> 00:32:05,904 the Empire State Building, encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons. 732 00:32:05,905 --> 00:32:07,865 - No, no. I-- - Don't worry. I-'m gonna... 733 00:32:07,866 --> 00:32:09,408 I'll pay for it. 734 00:32:09,409 --> 00:32:12,704 I wish I could tell you this gives me joy, but it doesn't. 735 00:32:13,705 --> 00:32:15,706 You are not the romantic I thought you were, 736 00:32:15,707 --> 00:32:18,292 and I don't know how I'm gonna play you 737 00:32:18,293 --> 00:32:20,377 or respect you. 738 00:32:20,378 --> 00:32:23,088 So, [sighs] here we are. 739 00:32:23,089 --> 00:32:25,674 Well, thank you, Zachary, for those... 740 00:32:25,675 --> 00:32:27,801 lovely words. But, 741 00:32:27,802 --> 00:32:31,514 Loretta and I shall marry here, in the Arconia. 742 00:32:32,015 --> 00:32:33,808 This is where we fell in love, 743 00:32:35,059 --> 00:32:36,727 and I want a marriage 744 00:32:36,728 --> 00:32:39,354 where we fall in love every day 745 00:32:39,355 --> 00:32:42,150 for the rest of our very long lives. 746 00:32:43,484 --> 00:32:44,943 You... 747 00:32:44,944 --> 00:32:47,070 adorable baloney loaf. 748 00:32:47,071 --> 00:32:48,823 - [weak laugh] - You... 749 00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,408 beautiful bitchy... 750 00:32:51,409 --> 00:32:54,036 baloney loaf. 751 00:32:54,037 --> 00:32:55,746 Do you know what a baloney loaf is? 752 00:32:55,747 --> 00:32:56,831 Uh-- 753 00:32:58,041 --> 00:33:00,043 [♪ gentle music playing] 754 00:33:00,627 --> 00:33:02,545 You are a romantic. 755 00:33:03,129 --> 00:33:04,297 - [smacks] - [Oliver snorts] 756 00:33:05,131 --> 00:33:07,634 You got me in touch with my emotions. Thank you. 757 00:33:08,509 --> 00:33:10,802 Well, it was an honor playing a small part 758 00:33:10,803 --> 00:33:13,263 in bringing out your true self. 759 00:33:13,264 --> 00:33:15,891 And Charles, I won't alienate your audience 760 00:33:15,892 --> 00:33:18,770 - by putting any of it on film. - [elevator dings] 761 00:33:23,066 --> 00:33:24,567 - Bye. - Bye. 762 00:33:25,235 --> 00:33:26,236 Bye. 763 00:33:27,862 --> 00:33:29,863 - [Oliver sighs] - You good? 764 00:33:29,864 --> 00:33:31,658 [Mabel] Yeah, I'm good. 765 00:33:35,286 --> 00:33:38,956 [Dudenoff] Whether or not everyone makes it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat... 766 00:33:38,957 --> 00:33:42,877 ♪ 767 00:33:45,129 --> 00:33:47,131 ...I'll leave for you to discover. 768 00:33:48,633 --> 00:33:52,719 But what the film is really about is found families, 769 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,305 fighting together for their survival 770 00:33:55,306 --> 00:33:58,725 in waters that can be really tough to get through 771 00:33:58,726 --> 00:34:00,227 if you're all alone. 772 00:34:00,228 --> 00:34:03,314 [♪ gentle music continues] 773 00:34:11,406 --> 00:34:14,575 [Mabel] In the end, there was no murder in the West Tower. 774 00:34:14,576 --> 00:34:16,743 Just a guy who moved to Portugal 775 00:34:16,744 --> 00:34:19,413 - and made a family out of strangers. - [recorder beeps] 776 00:34:19,414 --> 00:34:21,081 Well, found family, 777 00:34:21,082 --> 00:34:25,545 we buried a great podcast story and are back to square one. 778 00:34:25,962 --> 00:34:26,963 [drops cards] 779 00:34:27,964 --> 00:34:31,925 [sighs] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong when we run out of leads? 780 00:34:31,926 --> 00:34:33,385 [knocking on door] 781 00:34:33,386 --> 00:34:35,471 Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong! 782 00:34:36,014 --> 00:34:37,056 [Oliver sighs] 783 00:34:39,434 --> 00:34:41,226 - Think he's got any Gut Milk in there? - [door opens] 784 00:34:41,227 --> 00:34:43,812 I already checked the fridge. He just has beer. 785 00:34:43,813 --> 00:34:45,940 - [Hammy oinking] - Look who's here. 786 00:34:46,608 --> 00:34:49,026 Oh, hey, Helga. I see you got your pig back. 787 00:34:49,027 --> 00:34:52,905 Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man who reluctantly returned her to me. 788 00:34:52,906 --> 00:34:54,156 I think his name is Howard? 789 00:34:54,157 --> 00:34:55,699 [Hammy grunts] 790 00:34:55,700 --> 00:34:57,701 I didn't want to bring it up among the reunions, 791 00:34:57,702 --> 00:35:01,331 but I wanted to tell you something about your friend, Sazz. 792 00:35:02,123 --> 00:35:04,249 Wait. You actually knew her? 793 00:35:04,250 --> 00:35:06,418 Yes. She was on the ham radio, 794 00:35:06,419 --> 00:35:09,379 asking about all these huge plot holes you had in your podcast. 795 00:35:09,380 --> 00:35:11,340 - Not holes. - Oh! 796 00:35:11,341 --> 00:35:14,843 You're how Sazz knew about all the West Tower stuff in her notes. 797 00:35:14,844 --> 00:35:16,595 There was another thing though. 798 00:35:16,596 --> 00:35:20,891 She talked about a stuntman on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma. 799 00:35:20,892 --> 00:35:23,310 She said he was her protégé, 800 00:35:23,311 --> 00:35:26,480 but that he had messed up pretty badly and he was harassing her. 801 00:35:26,481 --> 00:35:30,568 She said, "He's dangerous, and he's gonna be the death of me." 802 00:35:31,736 --> 00:35:34,446 - What's Project Ronkonkoma? - Check IMDb. 803 00:35:34,447 --> 00:35:36,532 - That's a website. - I know what IMDb is. 804 00:35:36,533 --> 00:35:38,367 My agent says he's gonna get me on it. 805 00:35:38,368 --> 00:35:40,953 Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma. 806 00:35:40,954 --> 00:35:42,454 Who's the stuntperson? 807 00:35:42,455 --> 00:35:44,665 Is it someone we can talk to? 808 00:35:44,666 --> 00:35:47,460 - Not exactly. - [Hammy oinks] 809 00:35:47,835 --> 00:35:50,963 [medical devices beeping, hissing] 810 00:35:50,964 --> 00:35:53,299 [♪ music building] 811 00:35:55,593 --> 00:35:58,596 [♪ dramatic music playing] 812 00:36:20,118 --> 00:36:23,580 ♪ 813 00:36:47,562 --> 00:36:48,645 [♪ music ends] 814 00:36:48,646 --> 00:36:51,649 [♪ fanfare playing]